Serial mono-tasker

Hi everyone. I’m gonna take my own advice and focus on one major task at a time….Thanksgiving holiday with my extended family. This year I am especially grateful for new opportunities that have been presented to me and for the well wishes received from blog readers. See ya’ again after the long holiday. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

~~~Debbie

School calendar

While it’s true that the business world considers New Year’s Day as January 1, it is equally true that for anyone with children, the first day of the New School Year is really where it’s at!  And here in Arizona, that means sometime in the middle of August.  It can even mean July, if your teen has early walk-around.

“I know it’s time for school to begin when my calendar runs out of pages.”

Years ago I discovered the Academic/Collegiate Planner book, (it starts in August and ends in July). While my children were school age, it functioned as my lifeline.  Importantly, it didn’t end during Winter Break, like a traditional annual calendar does. It can get you through to the last day of school, all in one continuous calendar!

For families where ADHD plays a role, this can make the difference for starting off the school year better organized, and then helps in making a  smoother transition to the second half of the year (which gets here before you know it).

Winter Break in most Arizona school districts covers TWO monthly calendar pages and FOUR weekly pages (factor in the weeks that include the last day of 1st semester and the first day of 2nd semester.)

Calendar styles vary among Arizona’s school districts. Somebody somewhere in each district made a decision to design their calendars in a particular way that made sense to them, not necessarily to me. I won’t confuse you with the fabulous calendar from California that I accidently found when I googled PVUSD. Suffice it to say that I caught my hasty error and didn’t print it here! Whew, panic in the streets averted. Here are just a few examples of the variety of calendar styles:

• Paradise Valley prints a black & white straight list of dates.
• Scottsdale  prints a black & white list with accompanying monthly blocks along the sides.
• Washington and Peoria print a colorful block calendar with a list of dates at the bottom.
• Queen Creek has colorful block months divided down the middle with a list of dates.
• Roosevelt families can choose either English or Spanish versions.
• Some districts even have interactive web based alternatives.

Find your district’s link. There will be a tab for Calendar usually along the top or in the menu of pages. Save it to your home computer, office computer, laptop or netbook, your iPhone or BlackBerry. Keep a printed copy in the glove box of your car (I know we don’t use gloves here), and in your personal calendar book. At your first opportunity, sit down with highlighter markers and color-block your personal calendar.

Get ready before you get behind.

I carried a book version (big open boxes for each day) with me wherever I went, large enough to hold (clipped in!) the many colorful flyers that came home from school, the semester schedule with teacher training days, holidays, early dismissal, teacher conferences, special events, etc.

I added in printed schedules for sport practice/games, sport snacks, party invitations (while already in the car, inevitably I would wonder “Where is the party?!”), Hebrew School, Cub Scouts, Brownies and then regularly scheduled tutoring, music lessons, club meetings, and especially the days that the driving or non-driving babysitter could be available.

In addition to the book-size calendar that I carried around, the family relied on the MONTHLY DESK PAD CALENDAR, also available as “academic/collegiate,” kept on the hall table.  Kids and babysitters had to pass it at some point during the day.  Some years it was color-coded by CHILD, some years by ACTIVITY.   Sticky notes could be added, and white-out was handy.  I duplicated schedules of those I carried in my book version, and kept copies together with the desk-pad calendar at home.

When anyone asked about what was happening on a particular day, I just had to remember to tell them to ‘look at the hall calendar’.  If I tried to answer from memory, well let’s just say sometimes we were late or a day early.  Most times fortunately we arrived with the ‘whatever was needed accessory.”

When buying a monthly desk pad calendar, here’s what I found to be important: Size matters!

Get the biggest one that will fit on the identified table.

Get one that has lots of open white space. Forget about lines (they are limiting), and cute artwork (it just wastes precious space). If you can find one that has a side portion left open for notes, that is helpful.

And I do suggest keeping it on a flat surface, and not hung on the wall.  I know this is different from what so many organizers reccommend, but it worked better for me. This way you can slip flyers between the pages and they won’t fall out. You can direct your kids to place all flyers and parent notices there (along with the Scholastic book order forms, sign-up sheets and health notices from the nurse). It’s easier to write LEGIBLY on a flat surface. You can keep your supplies right there (colored markers, sticky notes, white-out, pen/pencil).  And, small/short kids don’t have to climb to reach it.

Whatever calendar you choose, the important thing is to USE IT  REGULARLY and CONSISTENTLY so that it becomes the first thing you do in the morning (do I need to pack a special lunch for the field trip?) and the last thing before retiring at night (is tomorrow soccer or scouts?)

Brush your teeth and check the calendar.

Pick up a calendar at any office supply store. Don’t wait to find the best method, or you may find that you don’t settle on any method at all. If you keep researching organizing books and websites for the best ideas, ultimately you waste time and then there are so many options to choose from, that you might just give up.  (I know you know what I mean.)

Judith Kolberg & Kathleen Nadeau wrote ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life in 2002. For me, it was not only life-changing, it was life-affirming.  More about the book another day, but do yourself a favor and buy it now. Chapter Five is titled “ADD Decision Dilemmas.” To avoid “Decision by Default,” they offer useful suggestions that cover many scenarios. Bottom line:  limit your choices to a number, a personal value, space, time or budget, and then “go with the best option.”

Reward yourself for making the decision. 

If chocolate isn’t your thing, the reward for selecting your calendar without undo angst, agita or gevalt might be permitting the impulse purchase of a cool new marker or white-out pen, something that will be fun for you and your kids to use on the new calendar.  “Rewards along the way can reduce the frustration of delayed gratification and are essential to keep you going on any long-term project.” (p. 53)

Being impacted by ADHD, doesn’t mean that you have to be scattered all of the time. If you didn’t set up your academic desk pad calendar before school started, don’t stress. It’s not too late. Stores will still have them for sale all year. Buy one now, even if you tear off the first few pages. (Release the torn-off pages, by recycling them, use as table cover for crafts, or tear into notepad size paper).

It will make such a difference in the transition after Winter Break.  I promise.

~~Debbie

P.S.

Dear Reader,

Have you found a calendar system that works?  Please share it.

Teacher conferences

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know. — Donald Rumsfeld

The first time that you “know” something is just not right, it’s often experienced as a feeling in your gut. It’s not yet a fully articulated thought; you’re not even sure that you know what you are thinking. That’s because first you feel it.

A neighbor may suggest to you that maybe your child should be “tested.” A well-meaning relative wants to know if your child is “getting help.” You may start putting it together that the random assortment of your child’s behaviors might mean something (AD/HD?) when considered in the aggregate, and your first reaction is, “Not my child!” Is it denial, hope, defense, a prayer?  Whatever you call it, first you feel the emotional punch in the solar plexus…not my child.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…..just when you are starting to anticipate some normalcy coming back into your life, now that your child(ren) have grown out of diapers, put down the bottle, the binky and the blanket, as you approach the school years with new lunch boxes, school bus adventures, and extra-curricular activities, you also have your first parent -teacher conference.

Tough successful adults of all kinds get that knotty feeling in the stomach when going in to talk with THE TEACHER. Oh no, our inner child self recalls, there is nothing good that can come out of a private conversation with THE TEACHER. She is still the one person whose approval we never got over wanting. Does anyone ever talk about their first grade teacher in therapy? No! But she is the ultimate authority of our younger years. She’s the one who sent home notes to our parents, wrote comments on our homework assignments and affixed the dreaded red pencil marks to our test papers. Whatever she told our parents could get us in trouble at home. Even if we thought she liked us, it turned out that she always found something to tell our parents we could do better. And they believed her, because she was THE TEACHER.

So now we are the parents who will be the recipients of the all important mid-semester evaluation. It’s not just our child who is being evaluated, it is also US the parents, WE who are being scrutinized and admonished to instill better work habits in our child. OUR parenting skills are called into question: Do we provide a quiet place for homework? Do we supervise the homework? Do we have dinner together as a family nightly? Do we load backpacks and lay out tomorrow’s clothes the night before? What about that important consistent reasonable bedtime?  The good breakfast? The nutritious lunch?

And now THE TEACHER says that there might be something wrong with our child. Legal guidelines prevent school personnel from telling parents that they think a student has a diagnosis of AD/HD.  But, the descriptions of inconsistent academic performance, daydreaming, fidgeting, not following instructions, blurting out answers, interrupting the teacher, sloppy handwriting, careless spelling and arithmetic mistakes, incomplete assignments, missing homework, frequent tardiness, and reluctance to read begin to create a snapshot of the AD/HD child.

Regardless whether an inattentive, hyperactive or combined type is the culprit, parents are forced to consider that AD/HD might be a factor. Considering it doesn’t mean agreeing, doesn’t mean accepting, doesn’t mean labeling. It just means consider the possibilities. It means take a look at what we know and what we don’t know, what we know we know, and what we know we don’t know.  Now begins the parents’ journey.

And oh my gosh, THERE IS SO MUCH TO KNOW.  It can feel like every minute echoes the imperative to put our hands on everything we can possibly read. Parents may not know whom they can trust with this delicate and controversial topic. This isn’t like asking for a referral to a reliable landscaper or recommendation for a new hairdresser. Face it, having a child with AD/HD doesn’t make you popular. There is still a stigma associated with anything considered outside the norm of childhood development. Some people judge you for what they consider to be the consequence of poor parenting, inadequate discipline, and lack of good character.

You, or your spouse, may even be one of those people. Your task is to develop that thick skin that will enable you to examine your own prejudices so that you can persevere and network with other parents in the quest to identify reliable resources so that you can help your child.

Put on YOUR oxygen mask first before assisting others around you!

Before going on the search for the professional(s) who will perform tests and interviews and possible future treatment, it is important to have some idea of what you are talking about. You need to become an educated consumer before you begin to interview specialists. Reading will expose you to the lingo and the acronyms, to multiple theories and interventions, some that are considered controversial compared to research-based studies. And, you will find personal anecdotal accounts that will assure you that you are not alone in this journey.

After you have synthesized some of the information that is out there, you will feel more confident when you walk into the specialists’ offices to interview them. You can be prepared with a list of questions, and also be better prepared to hear and understand what they are telling you. If you are like most people, you are probably not going to feel comfortable picking up the phone to ask if you can please speak with the doctor to re-ask the same questions that you asked earlier or to have the same information re-explained.  If you have that courage, you are my role model.

Pick up a couple of good books that are endorsed by some of the national AD/HD organizations and publications. ADDitude is a bi-monthly magazine (hardcopy with online features) that has been around for many years.  Every issue is full of letters and success stories submitted by regular people, in addition to Q&A columns from pros. The online archives are relevant and easily accessible My opinion is that this is the first thing you should acquire to begin your library on AD/HD.

Begin to keep a notebook (old-school paper or digital file) of author names and book titles.  Start with the classics:

Driven to Distraction, Edward (Ned) Hallowell and John J. Ratey

Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, Sari Solden

Gender Issues and ADHD, Patricia O. Quinn and Kathleen G. Nadeau

Teenagers With ADD and ADHD, Chris A. Zeigler Dendy

And here’s one written for kids. I haven’t read it yet (other than the sample pages in Amazon) but it comes highly recommended by someone who knows what she’s talking about (thanks V.): The Survival Guide for Kids With ADD or ADHD, John F. Taylor.

As you surf the Internet (and you know you will!) bookmark everything into your computer files until you begin to get the hang of being selective about what to save. Maybe start with this recent article, “Ten Tips For Parents of a Child with ADD by Ben Glenn, which broadly outlines important tasks for parents. Acknowledging that parents need to deal with their own feelings and perceptions, he highlights the importance of getting to know other parents of AD/HD kids, of being educated about AD/HD, regularly bolstering your child’s self-esteem, and knowing how and what to discuss with your child. His approach is upbeat and informal — good advice drawn from personal experience.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You and your child are human and you both WILL make mistakes. Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh. AD/HD kids can (and do) say the darndest things…like the son of a well-known AD/HD educator whose young son took scissors and CUT the new curtains recently hung over the living room windows. Why?! she demanded to know. ”To let the sunshine in for us, Mommy.”

~~Debbie

P.S.  Dear Reader, if you have online or print resources that have benefited you or someone you know, please comment below and share it.

DISTRACTED, an Arizona premiere

Producer/Director Randy Messersmith of the Theatre Arts program at Scottsdale Community College has brought to Phoenix a very funny and poignant play chronicling a mother’s journey to discover the roots of her 9-year-old son’s behavior challenges.  In “Distracted,” playwright Lisa Loomer (“The Waiting Room,” “Girl, Interrupted”) introduces us to the character of Mama (played with engaging pathos tempered with humor by SCC Theatre Arts student Elizabeth Athetis), who is searching for the right diagnosis as she visits with teachers, psychotherapists and neighbors to determine if AD/HD is the cause and, if so, what to do about it. 

The play addresses the tension of this mother’s journey and the humanity of how AD/HD impacts a family, especially one in which husband and wife have different points of view about the validity of the disorder and the dilemma of whether or not to medicate. According to Messersmith, Loomer prefers to “pose the questions and not give the answers” in this play that presents a balanced perspective of the varying points of view among doctors, teachers, parents. 

I agree with Mr. Messersmith’s comment that while this is a “message play,”, it is “not pedantic or lecturing in any way.” Rather there is a lot of food for thought introduced to the audience in the natural course of the script’s dialogue. By the end of the evening, I was aware that my emotions had been tweaked and that preconceived notions were not necessarily as clear cut as I once believed. I emerged from the talk-back session with a renewed sense of compassion and understanding that every family must reach the decisions that they feel are best for them.

For more than 19 years, Messersmith has worked with drama students — first as a teacher at Desert Mountain High School and since 2006 as theatre arts director of SCC’s Theatre Arts program. ”In high school, I always knew which students had an IEP or 504 plan and could plan classwork accordingly,” he says. “But after high school, it’s the opposite. FERPA (Federal Education Rights and Privacy Act) means that unless a student self-discloses, or registers with Disability Services on campus, professors might not be aware of any issues that may affect a student’s success in class.”

“Distracted” came to Messersmith’s attention when he was at a small theater in San Diego county.  There he learned that Loomer’s play had been produced but was not yet published. So Messersmith purchased the rights to the script, intrigued by the opportunity to bring the play to an educational institution and incorporate the students’ points of view for the Arizona premiere. 

During last evening’s presentation, it occurred to me that the actors’ performances could easily have succumbed to just being caricatures of the various personalities and professionals that they played. But deftly guided by Messersmith, and bringing their own perspectives to bear, the cast members authentically portrayed each character. Anyone who has been around the block searching for answers to the AD/HD conundrum will recognize people they have met along the way. 

The nuance that each actor brings to his/her parts (several of them actually play multiple and very disparate roles) reflects the care of Messersmith’s treatment of Loomer’s well-crafted script.

The production crew does a fine job of bringing value to each light bulb and prop. The jumping and jiggling letters of the play’s title greet the audience as they are seated, immediately setting the stage for what is to come. Computer-driven graphics and video that serve as the backdrops to each scene become like additional characters in the play. Scene changes manipulated by the cast members themselves occur seamlessly and become part of the performance as a whole. The play’s humor carries the message of how we all get distracted and how we stay on task. Even the actors get distracted and break character!

The performances are being held at Theatre Artists Studio near Tatum & Cactus while the SCC theater undergoes renovations.  Call 480-423-6359 to reserve tickets (recommended due to limited space for seating). Remaining show times are 7pm Nov. 6 and 2 & 7pm Nov. 7. Tickets are $10 for general admission and $8 for students (bring a valid ID) and senior citizens (55+)  Due to some strong language and mature content, the play is not recommended for students under age 16. — Debbie Isard

Malarkey

AD/HD is real. It is the most common neurobiological disorder affecting school-aged children of all races and cultures. A common misperception in our society is that AD/HD is over-diagnosed and over-treated. The fact is that five to eight percent of school-aged children are affected. Multiply that by the number of family members and classmates and teachers who come in contact with these children on a daily basis, and you may imagine the number of lives that are impacted.

Perhaps you know someone who says, “Yeah, but everybody gets fidgety sometimes,” or “It’s pretty common to have difficulty sitting still during something boring,” or ‘Who can pay attention to something serious when there are fun things going on?”  All of those statements are true! True for some of the people some of the time. For those with AD/HD that is their experience ALL of the time.

It’s not malarkey.

AD/HD is recognized as an impairing disorder by:  U.S. Department of Education, National Institute of Health, U. S. Congress, U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention, U.S. Surgeon General, all major medical, psychiatric, psychological, and educational associations.

So WHY doesn’t everybody get it?  I don’t know.  I’d like to say that I don’t care…but really I do. That’s why I joined CHADD, and trained to be a Certified Parent to Parent (P2P) Teacher. There is so much at stake when we consider how self-esteem withers, how impulsivity leads to mischief that leads to dangerous and life-altering behaviors, how friendships are lost over misunderstanding of social cues, how grades plummet cutting off chances of success, how families fracture under the stress.

AD/HD can manifest in three ways: 1. Predominantly Inattentive, 2. Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and 3. Combined Type.

Think of it like this. How many people with AD/HD does it take to change a light-bulb?

Type 1 asks , “What light-bulb?”

Type 2 says, “I meant to change that light-bulb, but I saw the newspaper on the kitchen table and the Home Section caught my eye with that interesting DIY article about living in small spaces, and I took their advice and rearranged the furniture, and when I moved the lamp I noticed that it wouldn’t turn on so I checked to see if it was plugged in and it was but I didn’t have the patience to trouble-shoot it anymore, so I sat down at the kitchen table to have a cup of coffee and then I remembered that I meant to change that light bulb.”

Type 3 says “Maybe I’ll change it today, and maybe I won’t, it all depends on whether I notice that it’s out or not, or whether I’ll get around to it if I don’t get distracted by the newspaper; you just never know.”

Most articles about AD/HD begin by describing the hyperactive type, the kids who are easy to point out because they never sit still, are always breaking things because they never slow down enough to pay attention to their surroundings nor to instructions. They are the squeaky wheel.

But, I am going to take a different approach and talk about the INATTENTIVE type first. These are the kids who don’t pay attention to details and make careless mistakes and lose things. They don’t appear to listen but rather look like they are day-dreaming. They avoid getting involved with tasks that require sustained mental effort. They struggle to follow instructions and to stay organized, are easily distracted and are forgetful about routine activities. They may be creative and well-intentioned, but their rooms are filled with half-completed projects. Their backpacks over-flow with papers that they don’t know whether to take home or take to school. They appear unmotivated, slow to get moving, and are typically so quiet that you may not notice them in the room.

The inattentive type individuals often fall through cracks of our education system precisely because they appear compliant with the requirement to sit still and mind your own business in the classroom. One of the most difficult things for them is to stay alert and to be engaged with what is going on around them. While the teacher is busy corralling the other students, this one is gazing out the window (oops, our classrooms in Phoenix don’t have windows, but you get the picture).

This is the child who exasperates you because you know they can do better if he/she just puts his/her mind to it. What a waste of potential you are witnessing. How is it possible that this child related to you is so LAZY!? What do you mean you don’t know what ‘clean your room’ means?! Why can’t you get anywhere on time, don’t you know how disrespectful that is?! I already told you yesterday what to do today, just do it.

Are you trying to embarrass me in front of your grandparents, or to make your teachers think you come from a home where parents don’t care if you do homework? You need to learn responsibility and to take pride in your schoolwork. Who will ever hire you if you can’t be organized enough to take care of your self?

To the parents and teachers who themselves do not have AD/HD, all of the ‘shortcomings’ described above may seem like an assortment of character flaws and deliberate or disrespectful misbehaviors. Here now is the message: Your student/child doesn’t like it very much either that he/she is constantly chided, reminded, disciplined for behavior that he/she just doesn’t have the natural ability that you do to get everything done as efficiently as you expect. They do want your approval, and they wish people thought they were smart and reliable. And they wish that they felt better about themselves.

Hope, there is hope. Once they (and you) understand that they (and you) are not alone nor at fault, progress and healing are possible. The first step is to recognize that the constellation of behaviors is the outer manifestation of the internal turmoil that is AD/HD. The good news is, it’s manageable! Someday you might even catch yourself saying, “Wow, what an ADHD moment, instead of ’blonde’ or ‘senior’ (neither of which is PC!).

Well, that’s it for today….there’s a light-bulb somewhere that needs changing.

~ Debbie

A new blog for families facing ADD and AD/HD

In June 2009, two Phoenix moms met each other for the first time in Pittsburgh, where they were both attending training to be peer teachers for parents facing attention deficit disorder (ADD) and attention deficit disorder/hyperactivity disorder (AD/HD).

The training is provided by CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), the nation’s leading non-profit organization serving individuals with AD/HD and their families. It has more than 16,000 members in 200 local chapters throughout the U.S. Once training is completed, participants become Certified Parent to Parent (P2P) Teachers.

We are those two moms. P2P classes are conducted by volunteers, like us, who have the “lived experience” and are trained in up-to-date research-based facts and strategic interventions. That means that we know firsthand something about how ADD and AD/HD impact a family. It also means that we are only experts about our own experiences. Something that we have in common, though, is the desire to assist others who are just getting started on the journey, which will include family members, teachers, friends, health care providers, and other professionals.

So what can you expect to read about in our blog?

We plan to include useable tidbits of shared wisdom, hopefully some humor and links to local or online resources. We will blog about personal experiences and also the experiences of other families (names disguised to protect the innocent). We invite readers to comment, share stories drawn from their own experiences and ask questions.

We’ll be posting at least weekly, probably on Tuesdays. In the meantime, visit chadd.org, where you will find a tremendous wealth of information.

See ya’ around,
Debbie and Diane